Ivory’s Totally Secure Goat Fence
1. Put up worthless chicken fence.
2. Get sick of it and tear it down, vowing to put up a new one so the monsters won’t kill your garden and fruit trees.
4. Borrow MIL’s boss’s brother’s manual transmission, diesel, 16-ft flatbed with a lift and drive 20 mph to the Tractor Supply, never killing the engine (Thank you, Jesus) yet lightly grinding the gears twice. (I would love to show you a picture of the truck, but the tank lot was closed. Below is MIL’s boss’s brother’s company.)
5. Arrive at Tractor Supply and realize that you can’t possibly park this monstrosity, so you take up six parking spaces so you don’t have to turn.
6. Find it impossible to remove the key. Struggle for a few minutes, then flag down a couple of good-ole-boys in the parking lot that look like they would know how to de-key a diesel truck the size of my house. Key successfully removed. Lessons given on key removal.
7. Enter Tractor Supply and ask for goat panel.
8. Laugh out loud when they show it to you, cause a lame goat on Bud Light could jump it backwards. Four feet? My MINI goats can jump that in a second. Must be meant to be electrified. Can’t do that.
9. Buy two 16ft long 5 ft high HORSE PANELS.
10. Bring mammoth truck around to the back of Tractor Supply. Again, cannot remove key and must get elderly salesman to give lessons.
11. Help elderly salesman get panels over the lift that neither of us know how to use, into the bed of the truck and drive home at 20 mph. (Never been in a car that needed 4th gear before 30 mph.)
12. Have mild nervous breakdown trying to turn left out of the lot, calling on all the saints that can be remembered whilst adrenaline is pumping. Therese, Teresa, Lewis, John of the Cross, Philomena, Sacred Heart of Jesus, Mama Mary, Elizabeth, any relatives that can hear me, people who are holy that I don’t even know…all y’all pray I get back without wrecking, PLEASE!
12. Drop panels at the house and take mammoth truck back to tank lot. Thank whole host of heaven for their much appreciated assistance.
13. Again, cannot remove key. Struggle for a few minutes. Pray some more. Finally get key out.
14. Return key to MIL’s boss’s brother who can’t believe I didn’t call stranded on the side of the road. The phrase “super woman” was used.
15. Go home and bang in U posts in a relatively straight line, attach panel with zip ties and install an adjust-a-gate from Depot.