Floor Fail

by Ivory Soap

Here’s a little bedtime story for you lovely readers:

Once upon a time, a beautiful princess named Ivory got a wild hair to put in her own laminate floors.  (After all Princess TL did it ten years ago, so how hard could it be?)  She borrowed a chop saw and bought an inordinate amount of quickly discontinued Pergo.  No room for mistakes!

Prince Mr. Ivory entertained the mini-princes and princess and protected them from the evil laminate dust while Princess Ivory laid board after board in place.  She even did her own doorways (called transitions) with a concrete drill.

When it was finished, the whole kingdom turned out to praise Princess Ivory’s fine job.  Even Duke Handyman, who didn’t do floors because it killed his knees, bragged on her to his Handy-friends and customers.  Everyone was impressed with her amazing skill.

Everyone except the hundred year old washer (hereafter referred to as Ken).  Prince Zachary and Ken waited until the hullabaloo died down and the whole kingdom finished their celebrations and went back to life as normal.    Then, they struck.    Three days after the festivities, Princess Ivory started a load of laundry…and Ken dumped 40 GALLONS OF WATER into her newly floored hallway!  Thinking fast, Princess Ivory disassembled part of the floor and propped it up with towels and a fan to dry underneath the uber-sensitive particle board.  She saved all but the seams, which swelled and peeled in a most impolite fashion.

Visitors could not see the damage unless Princess Ivory pointed it out to them directly and made them stand with their heads cocked in the hall lamplight.  “Ah, yes, there it is.  It’s not bad at all.  In fact, if you hadn’t put a spotlight on it, forced me to wrench my neck, and scoot over it in bare feet, I’d never have noticed!”

Princess  Ivory regained her floor-installation joy.  This infuriated Ken, who was now in a retirement home with Duke HandyMan.  Ken then put an evil spell on Tiny Prince Zachary which induced him to dig under all of the hall transitions with keys and then break them into thirds.  (Of course it was Ken’s spell…my child do that on his own?  Bah.)

Then, if that weren’t enough, Ken called upon his cursed impolite seams to burst from their shackles and refuse to join end to end with anyone! Disobediently, sliding at will from one end of the hall to the other with the slightest foot traffic, exposing the red underlining!

So, Princess Ivory replaced her abused transitions, which were immediately pried up again, and attempted to rejoin the maimed end boards which refused to cooperate.

Princess Ivory felt quite defeated….


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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Emily August 4, 2010 at 6:53 am

That is so sad!

I’ve been thinking about laminate for our house. I’m going to wait to hear how this turns out first! Good luck.

Jennifer Rizzo August 4, 2010 at 7:22 am

We just had a flood and our pergo completely warped. I am opting for hardwood this time. Not only because pergo off gasses formaldahyde for 7 years, but because when wood gets wet, it dries and can be sanded. Someone else told me Pergo is more likely to mold too. Even though ours has done good service for the last 10 years, it’s outta here. Call your insurance agency. They might pay to replace it.

Rebecca August 4, 2010 at 8:28 am

It sounds like Ken should be locked in a tower. A retirement home is too good for him!

Elizabeth August 4, 2010 at 8:49 am

Loved the bedtime story !! Could you ask Princess Ivory a question for me please ?
I have been wanting to install floors like yours for sometime in my own castle, however while visiting another friends castle and staying several days, I found that the flooring made your legs hurt like crazy after standing and walking on it. Did the Princess feel anything like this before the disaster?
Thanks your humble servant
Elizabeth 😉

Linda August 4, 2010 at 11:00 am

We are in the process NOW of laying this type of floor. Boy, boy, who would have thought.


KAY August 4, 2010 at 11:42 am

Man, that Ken! He’s so spiteful!

Frugal Kiwi August 4, 2010 at 2:02 pm

We are planning new flooring for our soon-to-be-renovated-into-a-Great-Room living room and kitchen area. I’m a felter, so water is inevitable. However, laminate is way more cost effective than most other flooring types. I’ve been worried. Fortunately, we found some hardwood flooring direct from the sawmill and the price will be competitive. Installation will be more difficult, but I won’t freak out if my felting water spills.

Kelsey August 5, 2010 at 9:19 am

To Elizabeth –
We have laminate wood in our kitchen and noticed the fatigued legs as well after moving in. However, this did not happen in the three months prior to our move that we lived with my parents in their laminate-wood-floored kitchen. I believe the difference was the fact that we own a house on a concrete slab while my parents are on a basement. Our legs hurt even when we spend more time in the carpeted areas. The slab is very uncomfortable, and has nothing to do with laminate wood versus carpeting for us. Hope that helps!

Home Builder Melbourne September 14, 2010 at 2:27 am

Thanks for sharing this. Floor problems can be such a hassle, especially if your house if poorly constructed. Home builders should really be careful in every detail that they do in your house.

poohbear October 6, 2010 at 2:12 pm

love the story! can’t wait to see how it ends! hopefully,with a “happy everafter! my story is my other half follows in his daddy’s footsteps and when he starts a project, most of the time it gets finished…if it doesn’t, it probably WON’T get finished! heehee hee! or least won’t get finished for a long time! we put a small house on the farm and made some changes here and there inside and out. one of the unfinished projects was covering the front door walkway with oak flooring. house went up april 2009 and floor still not finished! heeheehee! front door rarely used anyway, we enter and exit thru the backdoor 99.99% of the time! his mom says his daddy never did finish the trim along the counters in her kitchen and she showed me! they no longer carry the same trim since the her house was built 35 years ago and the rest of the trim is perfectly fine so she just fills up the space along the one countertop next to her frig so you can’t tell anyway!p.s. i think “ken” needs a permanant vaction! you know the one… where all the other “kens” hangout together! at the landfill !! heeheehee! p.s.s. don’t tell ken i said that, he might put a curse on me! and i like my new washer!! sincerely poohbear

Peter White May 19, 2017 at 1:39 am

40 gallons of water. The poor floorboards never stood a chance!

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