Homemade Hideous Garden

by Ivory Soap

Isn’t that beautiful?  Corn, beans, tomatoes, watermelon…  It’s my neighbors’.  Which makes this even more shameful:

Hideous Garden 101

Step 1:  Buy goats and chickens.

Step 2:  Have only one fence dividing your backyard.

Step 3:  Have husband who hates poo (communist) and likes grilling with friends.

Step 4:  Move animals to far side of fence to please hubby.

Step 5:  Put down weed blanket and boxes in attempt to move raised bed garden, yet fail to build new fence.

Step 6:  Hide squash in front flower beds and resolve to rally next year.


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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

andrea July 16, 2010 at 9:05 am

Oh…Oh dear….I know it’s wrong to laugh, but it’s hysterical. You poor thing.

Wulfgar July 16, 2010 at 9:27 am

I laughed out loud!

The second picture with the goat looking like he’s trying to make his getaway is hilarious!

Janina Church July 16, 2010 at 9:34 am

Pretty funny in a very sad way. Sorry.

Conny July 16, 2010 at 12:11 pm

You certainly have a way with words! And with illustrations too. So funny.

I often think, “maybe next year I’ll have the beautiful garden I crave.” Now that Mr./Mrs. Goat is contributing nutrients to the soil that should be the place for a good garden.

Cheers ~ and have a great weekend.

viggie July 16, 2010 at 12:58 pm

My what a rough year. Just think how beautiful and well arranged it will be next year 🙂

Kat July 16, 2010 at 2:22 pm

Is your hubby and his friends sleeping in the dog house? In the goat pen? With the chickens? Certainly not in the garden…

You poor thing. I only hope it’s not visible from the street, as I’d loathe the goat haters having any fodder for their malicious minds.

Nicki July 16, 2010 at 6:36 pm

This makes me feel better! If Little House in the Suburbs has a garden like THAT, then my garden-less backyard is okay, too!

Dolly July 16, 2010 at 6:38 pm

Oh, jeez! And here we’ve been contemplating getting a couple of goats.

I love that you included diagrams!

Heather July 16, 2010 at 7:35 pm

Let hubbys friends grill the goats. Get back to chickens and veggies.

Handful July 17, 2010 at 7:41 am

Oh Ivory – I’m so sorry! However, it does make me feel a little better about my own garden this year!

Thanks for the laugh!

Carla July 17, 2010 at 8:46 am

Oooops. Well, better luck next year, Ivory!

Corinne July 17, 2010 at 10:58 am

That must sting! And you are at least joking around about it. Every farmer has a bad harvest now and then. Think of all the gardens out there that we, your readers, are growing because of your influence and tips! So in that way, your garden isn’t totally destroyed at all. Want some of our tomatoes when they come in?

KAY July 17, 2010 at 11:13 am

ROTFL! This made my day! Awesome! Love your blog!

JavaLady July 17, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Coax hubby and his grilling buddies to build you those raised beds and to spruce up the grilling area with seating and a deck…. promise them great raw meat to grill and cold beer. If they hurry, you can still get pumpkins in the garden for fall harvest and some winter veggies.

Darlene July 18, 2010 at 7:33 pm

uhmm….just soz ya know, you will NEVER build a “raised bed” high enough to be able to keep the goats OUT, yet LOW enough to reach! Goats CLIMB. They climb VERY WELL. As in MOUNTAIN Goats well! Ever see a “ledge” that a mountain goat can use for a footing. Try 1/2″ and sometimes less. Yep! Oh, did I mention that they can JUMP as well?

My goat liked to play “king of the mountain” on my CAR ROOF with her buddies the rooster, the hens, the dog and the neighbor’s CAT. She could JUMP up on the roof of the car, though normally, she would just jump up on the trunk or hood first and THEN jump up on the roof. I resigned myself to having hoof/paw/claw prints on my car. Thankfully, it was an OLD car, so no harm done. No, I couldn’t park it in the drive or on the curb. It was a yard that was completely fenced in, so the “drive” was inside the fence. And the “road” was a single dirt lane, barely wide enough to get a car down and there were others living on the other side of me.

Like I said, just thought you might want to know this. Oh, by the way, electric fencing??….Don’t bother because the only one that will suffer for the fence is YOU and the People Kids. The goats and their offspring don’t seem to mind the bite.
Do you need to ASK how I know this???? Oh, they WILL shimmy UNDER a fence too. Best fence seems to be either stock fencing or chain link fencing. And then BURY a little of the bottom of the fence in the dirt.

And when they do get out, a bucket of feed will usually get them to come. So when you feed them, designate a “food” call (“Koosh, koosh”. “Dinner’s up”, “Come and get it”, whatever cranks your tractor) That way, when you do the “call” with a bucket of feed in your hand, they will (usually) come. Of course, their reluctance to come is based, inversely, on how badly you need them to come. The faster you need them, the slower they will be. And NEVER trick them. ALWAYS give them something to eat. Or they will ignore you when they’re out.

Remember, the TOTALLY fenced in yard with the car INSIDE the fence and the double gate that HAD to be opened to get the car out and I lived ALONE. The procedure went: Start car, open gate, move car, close one side of gate, try to get goat out of neighbor’s GARDEN, call, call, (and if I was late) call, #*%)#, call some more, finally get her in, close gate, feed her, do a fast slip out the gate (and TIE IT SHUT) and DRIVE to work. If I was leaving EARLY (yeah, right) she’d come the first time I called. If I was LATE (when wasn’t I?) she’d be a pill and go visit the garden or peruse the neighborhood. I miss those animals! lol

Alice July 19, 2010 at 10:57 am

Ivory and Darlene, I sympathize with you. Those little rascals can be… well rascals. We used to have a game called the “goat chase” you’re it. Those little critters can squeeze through the smallest opening and run for greener pastures…er gardens with tender veggies growing in them. Relegated to their own personal yard with the sturdiest of wire fenceing seemed to make them happier along with treats of cast off veggies. I wish you luck Ivory. May I suggest one of the grassiest areas with sturdy field fencing and sturdy fence posts. They will love mowing the grass and the area that is more bare for your raised bed gardening. Giving them treats for good behavior seemed to help us. Oh and did I mention sterness when directing them into better behavior? I know your heart must broken over the garden. Best of luck to you Ivory.

KAY July 19, 2010 at 11:28 am

Your Alpine buddy reminds me of my Buster from years ago; my daughters’ only memory of him is one time when I was bent over picking something up, weeding or something when he decided to jump on my back for a higher view. I swear I saw him squeeze through one grid in the chicken fencing once.

Kathy July 19, 2010 at 1:07 pm

Wow. Glad I don’t live next door to that disaster.

Ivory Soap July 19, 2010 at 10:20 pm

You misunderstand me, Darlene. I got it covered. See the giant horse panel fence I installed in an upcoming post.

mom-and-rn October 6, 2010 at 11:24 pm

hahaha!!!! better than tv!

Lisa October 22, 2010 at 6:36 pm

I like planting vegetables amongst the posies. The plants add interesting textures and colors and reminds me that the Bee Man’s bees will love me even more.

Athalia May 18, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I laughed until I cried and had to stop reading to wipe the tears from my eyes to read more. Ohmyheavens!

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